My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Follow me for more recipes
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Interior design 👌
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.