The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
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opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Can. I. Help. You.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”