Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.