Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
meow