Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
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genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes