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*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
this is funnier than any friends episode
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?