Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented