“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
You Might Also Like
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
plant them where lol
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
guys i’ve cracked the code
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.