*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.