“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
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[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.