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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?