Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
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Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.