My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle