Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul