My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.