I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You Might Also Like
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.