read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
You Might Also Like
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!