7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
You Might Also Like
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I think I’m having a stroke
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need