Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him