Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Stick it to the man
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.