Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
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How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I am all good here, 😂😉
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
jesus, what did this guy do
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇