[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
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Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.