DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Dietest Coke
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.