Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
How do you like your Corgi?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.