Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken