“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
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I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system