My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Every time.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
the battle rages on
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
how to market bottled water to dads
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Worst Native American name ever.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.