“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
birds and squirrels envy us
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.