So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁