♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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Beware of the “party goblin”…
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
stand with me against insufficient seating
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again