my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
nyc:
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”