[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”