A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Thursday Thought.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.