I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?