When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
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me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]