*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
You Might Also Like
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I can also cook 😂
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.