Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second