This may be my favorite dog video ever.
You Might Also Like
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.