I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned