I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
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ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s