Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Breaking news:
I’m not alone. I have ants.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
This is a bad sign
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.