“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Dammit Chief not again
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
worst…sale…ever
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant