my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
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no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
omg leave her alone
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it