Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
want me to check your oil?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.