Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?