my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I have obtained a hat
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
smh
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.