Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Breaking news:
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.