I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
You Might Also Like
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”