[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
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The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here