Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Breaking news:
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
crochet youtube is brutal
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.